Accepting Messiness, Misunderstandings and Missteps
I wrote these words bellow in 2019, just a couple years ago.
So much has changed. So much love and acceptance that I felt couldn't be possible for me.
To allow ourselves to be who we are in the moments of our messiness, misunderstandings and missteps... to love ourselves there... this is when we can start to finally feel safe in our own presence.
I often don’t have “ good vibes only”.
My whole life I’ve been confused about who I am.
Am I light or dark? How can one person be such extremes?
I’ve dyed my hair countless times in an attempt to both express and understand something about me. Blonde to black to auburn to highlights to blonde to black to brown to blonde to almost every colour in the rainbow. My hair colour will never begin to explain the confusion of trying to define me.
I’m a list of contradictions depending on which part of me is louder on that given day.
Does everyone feel this way?
Some days I’m a brooding artists and writer sitting alone in coffee shops.
Some days I’m a healer and compassionate listener. I’m present and giving.
Some days I am organized and feel like I have something helpful to share. I get shit done.
Some days I’m a mess and can barely get out of bed. Everything feels hard.
Some days I feel like life is magical and I can do anything I wish.
Some days I feel cursed and destined to suffer at the mercy of my mental illness forever.
Some days I feel like I’m not mentally unwell and it’s just mind over matter to feel better.
Some days flow with ease. Some days come to a grinding halt.
Some days I love myself. Some days I feel like a failure and a fraud.
I’ve evolved in so many ways and understand so much more than I once did.
I’ve been told a few times that I’m an old soul. Some days I feel so very old. Yet there’s a part of me that is so young, naive and scared. I feel like a child. I can’t shake this scared child off.
I could pretend that I’ve got it all together , tune her out with getting busy , followed by some happy music and a few glasses of wine ... But when everything gets quiet and challenges arise ... she’s there crying. “You again!? I thought I dealt with you ... this is exhausting.”
But those words don’t help. She just needs time to feel heard and loved.
Sometimes it’s so hard to love someone that’s so angry, sad, scared and freaking out.
Ever notice that?
We humans often have a hard time loving the people that need it the most.
And there are parts of ourself that really do need it. Love.
There are many parts of me.
There are many parts of you.
Each one of us is a complicated mixture of feelings and experiences.
I don’t think “society” really allows this to be ok and we go along with that and reinforce it. We prefer characters and people that fit into boxes so that life can feel safe and predictable . We like villains and heroes. We like labels. But this is reality ... we are nuanced. It’s ok to not be “good vibes only”. It doesn’t make you toxic. It makes you a human that’s been through some shit that you’re here to sort out.
Part of our journey here as humans is exactly this.
May we stop comparing ourselves to ideals of perfection. It feels way better to feel our feelings rather than denying them.
Sometimes our feelings don’t make sense and we don’t even know where they come from.
Most of us weren’t taught how understand our feelings as kids. It’s like trying to learn another language as an adult . It’s possible but it’s harder than if we learned it as a child. We can understand the theory but integration into our life is a whole other challenge.
Don’t give up.
Cry all you need to. Reach out for help.
You’re not alone.
There’s support and love everywhere. It’s there once you’re ready for it.