10 Unconventional Ways to Attract Love More Authentically
I’ve been so fascinated by the art of attraction since I first started having crushes! I’ve made many blunders along the way but over time I’ve come to understand what truly attracts people to us beyond the basics of looking good on paper (attractive, good job, has a car… yadda yadda). I’ve watched and read about the art of pick up and cringe at the advice they give. If you want to only have a one night stand with no meaningful connection, then by all means, follow their advice! However, I think so many of us are beyond superficial relationships and we really are craving to having something that feels real and meaningful. Do you want superficial or do you want to feel like you can really be yourself and be loved for who you are at your core?
If you are into one night hook ups you can use these tips I’m going to share to have a one time experience that is physically and emotionally fulfilling for both of you. However, this article is more so directed to people wanting to connect with someone that they want to keep in their life long term.
1. Get real gritty and vulnerable So many of us worry that if we share ourselves openly then we might scare the other person away. This is a good thing! If the other person is scared off by you being you then you may have spared yourself from months or years of heartache. Vulnerability is a great filter! It can also allow us to asses where someone else is at emotionally. Do you really want to exchange your energy with someone that will shame you for opening up? Even if it is a one night stand, becoming intimate with someone that is emotionally closed off is going to leave you feeling drained. In general, most people actually love vulnerability. We think they’ll be scared off but usually it has the opposite effect causing them to open up as well. When we communicate our vulnerabilities it amps up the connection we have with the other person. Talk about your feelings, your hopes, your fears, your experiences when you were younger. When you first meet someone, you don’t want to unload all your trauma onto them but you can share snippets of yourself over time. In a long term relationship with someone you trust, sharing intimate details of your past can be something that helps you both feel more connected to each other. Also, if the other person is being vulnerable make sure you listen without interrupting or competing with their story.
2. Let your inner child come out to play When we first meet someone we’re into we often worry about making a fool of ourselves so we make sure we sit just right and say the perfect thing and laugh at the right spots. That’s nice, but you are more than just nice! Inside you is a vibrant child that is probably silly, quirky and amused at things that maybe aren’t even funny at all. You probably see this part of you most when you’re having a good day and you’re at home by yourself. My inner child likes to sing songs about the cats and hang her head upside down over the arm of the couch to look at the world from another perspective. Allow yourself to be playful and invite your love interest to come into your imaginary world. Joke around, do things that are a little weird. Don’t force it but allow it to come out if the feeling arises. Laugh at yourself if you do something stupid! Let yourself be human!
3. Ask stupid questions
Did you crush just tell you their job is as a Social Media Manager and you have no idea what that job is really all about? Don’t just smile and nod as if you know what they’re talking about! This is an opportunity to learn about the other and for them to share with you. You can say “I have no idea what that is! Tell me about it!” Allow the other person to teach you about what they know. People love to share their experiences with others! Don’t miss an opportunity for connection because you’re worried you’ll look stupid. Someone that is worth your time and energy will gladly tell you more. Let’s get away from being basic and saying things like “that’s cool!” if you don’t even know what they’re talking about. Also, if you don’t think it’s cool don’t say it is! Saying “I still have no idea what that is! What do you love/hate about that job?” is much more interesting than “oh cool!”
4. create space for imperfections
We fantasize about the perfect date and everything going according to plan so that we can tell all our friends how magical the evening was! Well, in the real world, things don’t always work out as we feel they should. Traffic happens, nail polish gets messed up, restaurants are full, orders come out wrong, it rains when you were meant to go to the park! What are we to do when our fairytale dream gets kyboshed by the chaos of life!? We go with the flow. We accept that the universe has a different plan for us and we open ourselves up to whatever possibilities this new path has in store. You may be surprised by something even better than you expected if you let life flow! Even if everything ends up in disarray you can laugh about the absurdity of it all. That will feel much better than pouting and bitching that nothing is going as planned and it’s sexy to flow rather than being rigid.
5. Challenge and disagree
Not to everything! But, if you do have a differing opinion then say what it is. This doesn’t mean you need to get confrontational, but speak up about what you believe in rather than just being a yes person so that the other will like you. We tend to actually be more attracted to the people that challenge us a little and show that they are their own person. If the person you’re into smokes and you hate cigarettes, mention it! Like : “I’ll be honest, I really dislike being around cigarette smoke.” How they respond will tell you a lot about them. Are they respectful or dismissive of your feelings? If they don’t seem to care, hello red flag! I’m not telling you to go around telling people how to live their life but rather to respect and honour your own feelings as well. Don’t compromise your feelings and beliefs so that the other will like you. That is giving the message that they are more important than you.
6.Show gratitude and enjoy the little things
Gratitude is super sexy! If your love interest does something sweet for you, get appreciative about it and don’t take it for granted. Show gratitude for all the good that is around you. It’s also a great way to fill awkward silence by saying something like “this food is actually sooo good! I love the texture!” or “ wow! Look at how beautiful the sky is right now – what a great colour.” Be genuine and notice things that you actually enjoy. This keep the vibes high! You can still talk about disappointment and the negative feelings but don’t get too lost in them. Try balancing them out with some gratitude.
7. Dress to impress yourself
When we get ready for a date are we wearing something we think the other will love or something that we feel great in? What makes YOU feel sexy, confident, comfortable and expresses who you are? Remove the other person from the equation and allow yourself to wear what feels great for you. If you wear something that looks sexy but you don’t feel comfortable in, you’ll be distracted! I have made it a point to plan comfy first dates and to dress down a little. Every time I have done that, I have ended up in a long term relationship with that person! The only common denominator is the comfy cute outfit! ;)
8. Be a tease Not sexually! Well, maybe sexually. I more so mean to tease the other person by making fun of them a little. Nothing harsh or hurtful! Also do it with a sweet tone. Something like “well I could take you more seriously if you didn’t have broccoli in your teeth!” It’s about brining humour and light into the scenario. You’ll want to mix this up by throwing in some compliments too so they know you are into them. So after the broccoli comment you could say “but you make a good point and you’re cute even with the broccoli teeth!”. Adding a bit of teasing along with a compliment keeps things feeling more real and fun. Be aware of balance and don’t overdo the teasing. If you accidentally hurt their feelings it’s a great opportunity for connection by saying something like “I never meant to hurt you. I really do care about you and I’ll be mindful to be more sensitive.”
9. Create clarity on what you both want If you’re into the other person and want to create something long term, tell them! If you like them but just want a hook up, tell them! People can sense when we’re being disingenuous but it gets super confusing when the truth is not being shared. Our gut instinct tells us one thing but the words being shared don’t match up. Be fair to yourself and the other person and tell them what you want and how you feel about them. Even if you feel confused or unsure, share that! Did they say something that made you feel worried or freaked out? Don’t just ghost them! Talk about it so that there is some clarity. This goes back to the vulnerability piece. If you aren’t ready to share what you feel and want, you are probably going to enter into a relationship that ends up having a lot of confusion and hurt. It may sound cliché but communication really is key whether the interaction be long term or short term.
10. Allow the other person to be themselves
Let’s stop trying to change people that aren’t ready to change! It ends up resulting in resentment and it’s just not kind. If you meet someone and think: “they would be perfect if only they would communicate more or be more loving!” Don’t force that person to be what you need them to be by saying something like “You don’t communicate enough! You need to text me more!” or saying to your friends “I hate that he doesn’t text me enough I’m going to ignore him and for a few days so he’ll miss me”. Let’s not trick people into being what we want them to be by being cold or dismissive and playing on their insecurities. Instead, state what it is you are looking for and ask if they are willing to match that. Something like: “I’m someone that loves to communicate and text a lot and I feel hurt if that doesn’t happen. You seem to not be too into text. Can you help me understand why? Would you be open to communicating more with me?” Let that other person decide to make the change or not. Also, don’t make assumptions about what that other person’s behaviour means. Ask them to share with you why they do what they do and trust their answer. If you absolutely feel like they are being dishonest with you that is a red flag that their they are giving off a bad vibe or maybe you need to seek some support around trusting others. If you ask them what’s up with how they are acting and they get defensive, realize it’s a red flag and ask yourself if that is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
I want to make it clear that if the other person is totally closed off to opening up and connecting with you… don’t take it personally! Be mindful about what it is you are looking for. What we dislike at the beginning of a relationship but ignore, is usually what drives us crazy down the road and often leads to the relationship ending! If the other person is being unsupportive, dismissive, doesn’t listen, isn’t open to changing…let them be that way! But be aware that if you attach yourself to someone like that, their problems will become your problems too. Are you willing to take that on? Don’t go into a relationship expecting them to change these things. It is unfair to both of you! If you can accept that they may be a poor communicator forever and might never change and you’re ok with that then go for it! If the other person says they are open to making some changes and takes personal responsibility for areas of their life that they are working on then then go for it! If you see no signs of them being open to changing these things, it likely won’t change any time soon which could lead to a frustrating relationship.
Relationships should be grounded in compromise, respect, kindness and compassion. Someone that struggles with these traits is likely still grappling with the relationship they have with themselves and therefore it will be a challenge for them to create a loving partnership until they start doing some real inner work.
Sometimes we do learn the hard way and end up experiencing these challenges first hand. If you do find yourself in a relationship that is hurting you, give yourself some compassion and forgiveness. Every life experience is an opportunity to learn, grow and understand more about what we want out of life. Every relationship I have been in has helped me on my path towards meeting the love of my life! If it weren’t for those experiences, I probably wouldn’t be able to be the loving compassionate partner that I am now.
If you are looking for more support about how to attract a new relationship or to deepen the attraction in a current relationship, please connect with me and I’d love to be there for you on your journey.